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CAST: The Host, Vanna Blight, Green Baron & Baroness, Pugsley Picklebottom, Bobby Woofter, The Commercial Announcer, The Commercial Players
THE SET: The stage is designed to be reminiscent of the television show. Instead of podiums there are chairs with straps on them. There is a set of royal chairs upstage for the Baron & Baroness. Downstage of that there is a podium from which the host conducts the show.
AT RISE: The host (Romeo) enters with Vanna Blight on his arm.
Host Greetings, greetings! Welcome, fairgoers and residents of Hillshire Village, to a competition brought to thee by the great and powerful, the dangerous and dastardly—
Vanna —The debonair and daring—
Host The rightful rulers of Hillshire and all things else, the Baron &
Baroness Steele! All rise and pay tribute to their magnificence.
The nobles take the stage amidst a smattering of boos, which the
host attempts to turn into applause.
Baroness They like not the way that thou dost deliver thine introduction,
Romeo Obviously they do know that thou didst, of course, fail to
truly catalog the traits that make up our Steele strengths.
Fortunately for thee, today we are feeling merciful, are we not,
husband?
Baron What? Oh, aye!
Baroness Do try to stay awake, my little pincushion. We were discussing
whether or not to have yonder host boiled in oil for his inadequate
description of our radiance.
Baron Whatever thou dost think best, my pet.
Baroness Twould make for a short game. We spare thee, host.
Host I thank thee. Shouldst inform ye, viewers, of what is about to unfold before thee. Our three contestants will be competing in their knowledge of trivia for a. . . magnificent prize, kindly provided by the Baron & Baroness Steele. The winner shall be rewarded with a lifetime’s supply of rutabaga. Wonderful.
Baroness Thou dost sound less than pleased with the reward with which we
have furnished thee, host. Any complaints?
Host Nay, dangerous diva, twas just contemplating what would constitute
a "lifetime’s supply" of rutabaga.
Baroness Enough that if it were to cover thy body it would be the end of thy
life.
Host Oh. Just thought I wouldst ask. Before we meet our competitors,
we needs must take a break to acknowledge one of our sponsors.
Baroness What? What be this?
The commercial players move out in front of the set.
Announcer Art thou bothered by occasional chest colds?
One of the actors coughs.
Insomnia doth have thee in a bind?
Someone sleeps fitfully on the edge of the stage.
Lost a limb to leprosy?
A leper hops in.
Announcer Canst not stand the pain, but canst not stand to go to the
physician? Be this thee? In that case, what thou dost need is Uncle Vlady’s Home Bleeding Kit! That’s right, all the benefits of a good, doctor administered bleeding, right in the comfort of thine own home. Say good-bye to that nasty cough. . .
The coughing actor sneezes, blood flies out, they smile broadly,
cured.
Welcome a good night’s sleep. . .
The sleeping person is calm. Blood squirts from their arm, like a
pulse.
And maybe even grow another limb!
The leper very excited, runs up to the announcer, bothering him.
So why delay? (to leper) Get away! Get Uncle Vlady’s Home
Bleeding Kit and welcome in a new era of good health. And if thou
dost order now, we shall throw in a six pack of blood-sucking
leeches, for those slight ailments and aggressively humorous
practical jokes.
Tableau of the first two bleeding. The announcer puts a leech on
the sleeping person. Chaos ensues and everyone gets off the
stage.
Baroness Twas most disgusting, host. . . I approve.
Host I am wondrous pleased that thou dost approve. And now, Vanna
Blight will bring out our first contestant. He doth hail from Hillshire
Village, but hath been disowned by the society of the town. To find
our next contestant, one wouldst need look up the hill at the yonder
Crooked Toad. Wouldst like thee all to meet Pugsley
Picklesbottom!
Vanna binds him during the following.
Pugsley Pickle-bottom!
Host What?
Pugsley Pickle-bottom! There be only one pickle in that bottom!
He pulls a pickle out of his pocket and takes a grotesque bite.
Vanna Ewww. . .
Pugsley Pray, speak silently. My temples doth throb, I didst over imbibe.
Where am I?
Vanna Thou art a contestant on Jeopardy, worm!
Pugsley Didst play "Jeopardy-worm" as a child; twill be cake, fair maiden.
Say, what art thou doing after we do play "jeopardy worm?"
Vanna Pig.
Host Moving along from this disgusting drunkard—
Pugsley Hi!
Host If thou wouldst bring out our other contestant, Vanna Blight.
Vanna With pleasure.
Host Thank thee. Our next contestant is a first cousin twice removed—
Baroness Second cousin once removed!
Host Sorry. Second uncle—
Baroness Cousin!
Host Who be but a hop, skip, and jump removed from the family proper.
Vanna brings in a well-dressed green court youth, who is
uncooperative.
Bobby Touch me not, wanton, thou shalt not put those binds on me!
Host But tis the rules—
Baroness Host, remember my place. I am a Baroness. I do make the rules
that thou dost enforce. He is of noble blood, and shall not be
bound.
Host Yes, dread mistress
Bobby Bring me a pillow! And a glass of water.
Vanna Why, insolent little—of course. . .
Host Well, now that we hath met our contestants, let us again break for a
word from our sponsors.
Baroness Another?
Enter the commercial group.
Announcer Art thou tired of being picked upon by thy neighbor the butcher?
A butcher picks on a woman.
Hath heard one folksinger too many?
Someone sings "If I had a Hammer" (or something equivalent) right
at the woman. She runs to the announcer for support.
Poked in the eye by the announcer?
He pokes her in the eye. She falls to her knees.
Woman Whatever shall I do?
Announcer When you find thyself in this kind of bind, thou shouldst do what I
always do— whip out The Club. The Clubã be fully warranted
when thou dost purchase it for one year or sixty-thousand whacks,
whichever cometh first. With The Club at thy side, thou may’st
smite that butcher. . .
The woman chases the butcher away with her new-found mace.
Silence any folk singer. . .
Singer "If I had a—"
He stops when the woman whacks him.
Announcer And poke that announcer right back in the. . .
The announcer and the woman share a moment of menace.
Oh. Wait one second. (to audience) The Club, it really packs a
wallop. Now available in many designer colors.
Producers and other people interested in obtaining
full copies of this script are completely insane!
If you really want to do this, let the playwright know
because he likes to know these things.
(He'll probably make fun of you)